From the Wayback Machine: Doof Doof Cars

Monday, May 13, 2002 - 11:53 pm

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and I hear a low thud... thud... thud...

After about twenty seconds the thud has become a boom, or rather a 'whoom'. A low, gut rumbling 'whoom'. You can occasionally hear the windows rattle slightly in their frames. Water in a glass ripples like it did in that scene from "Jurassic Park".

Then the rush comes as the lowered, rotary-engined testosterone display grunts past playing a form of music of which an African elephant or a whale would be proud. The low frequency component is beyond comprehension.

It takes at least another twenty seconds before the 'whoom' fades into silence, the bearer going on to wake entire neighbourhoods on his way home to sleep the sleep of a complete ponce.

All I can hope is that these people become deaf before thirty, develop kidney problems, and fail to hear the horn of the train or semitrailer bearing down on them with no chance of stopping before turning them into really hip, cool and sticky confetti.

"If it's too loud, you're too old." the stickers say.

My response is "If you don't turn it down I'll strap your head to the speakers and turn it up full blast playing the 1812 Overture until your ears bleed and beyond. Twice."